From me..

Hi, my name is Martin and I’m a gambling addict. A compulsive gambler. I’m also a thief, a liar, a fantasist. I’ve hurt those that I love and care about. I’ve not lived up to my principles and beliefs and I’m ashamed of myself. I am also more sorry than I can say. 

At this point you can decide to stop reading. You’ve seen the media, the headlines, and you’ve made your minds up. And that’s ok. I can’t stop you. Or you can read on, learn more, ask questions, be enquiring, seek knowledge and discover. It won’t always be a pleasant or easy read. Your choice!

Let me start by sharing what someone sent to me recently after I had a particularly difficult day:~

‘Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You’re doing just fine.’

And that is where I am. It’s one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. Celebrating and being grateful just to get through the day without relapse. That’s the life of an addict desperately trying to be the best version of themselves. It’s not always a pretty sight but as I’ve learnt from being in rehab, you will also see the most amazing, beautiful people, fighting hard to reclaim their lives, being honest and loving, and confronting adversity, and their past, with shame and sorrow, but also with grace and love. 

I’m writing this as I head to court later this week to plead guilty to serious offences of theft and fraud. There will be reporting in the media, and that will probably focus on the ‘scandalous and the sensational’ and undoubtedly it will sell newspapers, some will be true, some won’t, but I hope by writing this I might be able to contribute to the debate about gambling harm, government and self-regulation, reform and maybe even in to the moral purpose of business. 

I do not seek to excuse, mitigate or minimise my wrongdoing and harm caused. I plead guilty because I am guilty, and it is a necessary thing to do to lead a better, honest and positive life. I am seeking to not identify people I have harmed, as they are entitled to their privacy, and I wish to do no more harm. 

So where to start?….

I’m 53 years old and have been gambling on and off since I was 15. Always fruit machines, arcades and latterly online (‘slots’), and I’ve never gambled in any other way. And there is something that’s been consistent in all that time. I’ve hidden it away. Gambling is often called ‘the hidden addiction’ as it is so often not visible to others until it’s too late, and the reality is that gamblers become skilled liars to hide things from everyone, especially friends and family. So I’ve also been a compulsive liar. And although I will be sentenced for theft and fraud, the sentence I impose upon myself for the lies and the hurt I’ve caused those I love with be far harsher than any judge can impose.

I remember when I first played a slot machine. Bournemouth Pier. I was 14 or 15 years old. And it was fun. The flashing lights and noises, and here’s what I realise now…it wanted me. Playing the machine made me feel wanted. I wanted to carry on playing, to get to know the machine and it’s tricks, to win yes, but mostly to play. 

So for most of the next 37 years I was playing slot machines…..Before I tell you a little more I’m often asked what a gambling addict is. I don’t really know how to answer that, because my thoughts turn to the harm I caused and the chaos I created. So I reprint what a friend sent to me in the hope that it might make it easier to understand.

‘Gambling addicts are not really all that interested in winning or losing. Their                 main goal is to stay in action as long as possible. That action increases the levels of certain chemicals in their brain, primarily dopamine and adrenaline, and those chemicals cause the gambler to feel happy and excited. These are the same brain chemicals that are activated by cocaine use. 

        ‘Using modern imaging tools, we see that brain scans of gamblers in action look practically identical to brains that are high on cocaine. Winning is good because it provides money to extend the gambling action. Money represents nothing more than the fuel to keep the gambling going and the action keeps whatever painful thoughts and feelings that the gambler is seeking to escape, at bay.’

And reading this, I so relate to it. I look back at the 12 hour (or longer) sessions on online casinos, or at a bookies or casino. Nothing else mattered. I’d ignore my partner, I’d lie to gamble, and when you look back from a place of sobriety it makes no sense. But I did it. 

Being in therapy has helped me look at long unresolved issues in my life. Childhood trauma, issues of esteem, rejection, loneliness and so forth. I’m sure scientists, psychologists and others can argue and debate forever on how they contribute to addiction, but ultimately as an addict it’s simple, I want to gamble and I can’t stop or control myself. I don’t need a reason to gamble, I just want to. If I don’t, I get angry and I take it out on those around me. I don’t want to focus on causes of addiction. I’m not an expert, but what I can do is talk about my lived experience. What I did, how I got help, and some thoughts as I try to do no more harm, and to try my best to do good. 

So what happened? After I started playing at beach front arcades, I kept going, I enjoyed it and went regularly. I was ‘bunking off’ school, and home life was difficult. It’s the ‘standard story’, single parent family, sister with learning difficulties, no father figure and rejection by my father from birth, poverty and in simple terms a mum who couldn’t cope and wasn’t helped or supported. So at that early age I was going to arcades, and at the same time experimenting with my sexuality. I certainly met men in arcades at that time, and I was a ‘troubled’ adolescent and living in social service supported housing at age 15. I had a Saturday and holiday job in a shoe shop, and with that I could afford the small penny stakes at the arcades. Education suffered, and although I was bright and could have gone to university, I was already wrapped up in slot machines and didn’t show up for all my exams. It’s strange looking back as I’ve always ‘wanted to change the world’ and would say I have a strong moral and ethical core. Well that hasn’t worked out as I wanted! (Although it remains my goal)

Over the next 10 years or so I worked in a shoe shop and a pub, and carried on with playing slot machines, although by now I was going to arcades in the high street that had more modern machines and the stakes were higher. 10p stakes to win £2 and a chance to repeat! Lots or noises and flashing lights and the arcades would give you drinks and chocolate. It was fun…..But I soon ran out of money so I stole from my employers. In the end I got 21 months in Dorchester Prison. Gambling addiction was never really talked about at that time. You saw stories about thieves stealing and gambling but it was not a big issue and not really talked about. Certainly I wasn’t offered help or support. Either with deeper seated issues or gambling addiction. 

Looking back, would intervention have worked? I don’t know and there is little I can fully remember, but I suspect in those days gambling addiction wasn’t really thought about and the changes that would come over the next 10 years with the internet hadn’t even been considered. But as I’m learning, I can’t change the past, I can change the future, and learn from the past. And that is what I’m trying to do. 

I should say that during my time in Dorchester Prison, the staff were always kind and professional, and I was given a lot of support by Peter T, who was the chaplain. He more than anyone took an interest in my well being and future, and helped me secure voluntary work on my release as part of my rehabilitation. He was an absolute angel in my life and I thank him.

So after release I spend a year living in a lay religious community in Liverpool doing community work and there began a real interest in regeneration, social exclusion and public policy. I was using my brain, doing good work and rebuilt my relationship with my mum. Most importantly I felt I had purpose and was honest and fulfilled. I did not gamble. Didn’t even feel tempted. Looking back, I also realise I had no money! This of course causes me to reflect on whether the reason I didn’t gamble was lack of funds or access to them?  I don’t know, I just ask the question. But I was happy, and I look back fondly.

From there I moved back London and spend a year as an enabler to a physically disabled couple in Tooting. Lovely people, S and L, and my role was to assist them by being their arms and legs but not their brain. I was paid a small sum (£45 per week from memory) plus accommodation in a room in an adjacent house with other volunteer enablers. This was a year placement and again was a wonderful time where I feel I did good, learnt much and tried to make life and the world better. Again no gambling.  And I was content. 

From there I took jobs with the Church of England, firstly as a pastoral assistant, then a year later part time in a parish as an administrator, and part time living in a ‘lay community’ and doing some work with a university chaplaincy. These were largely good times, I got involved in more regeneration and social exclusion issues and I feel I made a difference. The latter role in a city parish was a good fit, although the university role turned out to not really exist, and I took on administration work in other churches to ensure I could pay my rent. Again no gambling. I should add that I got in to my first serious relationship during these times. If I remember correctly I met him (H1)in 1999 and he was a wonderful man. 

With salary and consultancy I was able to live reasonably well, and I did a good job during those days. I worked hard and felt satisfied and content.

Eventually I was asked to do some work for the Archdeacon. I think this was largely because of the previous few years I had done an excellent job helping raise funds for some churches, and modernising some of their administration and operations. I was well thought of and worked hard. 

At some point though, I did start going to amusement arcades again. I don’t know exactly when or why. I’ve tried hard to think but I simply don’t recall. I wish I knew why I started going again, it might help explain things but I simply don’t. Certainly there were times of incredible stress. My mum was increasingly frail and often in hospital. I had to move her in to sheltered housing, and then had to watch her as she died. That certainly freaked me out and I can still visualise the image as she passed away. I had a complicated relationship with my mum, lots of ups and downs, but I don’t doubt she loved me, and that was evident from things said at her funeral. She was also proud of me, again evident from what I discovered after her death, but I only wish she had told me when she was alive. For all my faults I really do believe in saying things like I love you, or I am proud of you. That really makes a difference. This was in 2012 and it was at that same time I met a new partner (H2) who was, and is, a lovely lovely man. I so recall him checking on my well being as I made daily visits to the hospital to see my mum, and to this day I have never doubted his goodness or love. I am deeply ashamed to have hurt him grievously. 

So the period from about 2004/5 onwards was a time when I simply don’t fully recall what happened when. I started a life of lies, chaos and theft. At some point, as I said, I went to arcades again, but the single biggest change was when I started to play online slot machines. I remember the first ever site was called cyberslotz, and it was part of the quicksilver arcade chain, part of the Rank Group. I can only assume I saw some leaflet or poster as those were arcades I went to, but I don’t really remember. It doesn’t function anymore and although I’ve tried to get details through a subject access request, the company no longer trades, and even before then it went through several ownership changes.  What I do recall, and I still have emails, is that they rapidly made me a VIP, and sent gifts and incentives. They even gave me a personal VIP manager. 

I think this, and what follows is important. And I tell this as I hope it helps shape future public policy and reduces harm. In sharing this I am not abdicating my own responsibility, I am simply sharing my story. It is for others to decide whether my addiction was exacerbated, encouraged, fed, groomed or whatever you choose to say. My story though is a common one.

There was a time when cyberslotz sent a gift to my home. I was terrified as my partner knew nothing of my gambling, so I contacted them to tell me not to send anything to me at home as I didn’t want my partner finding out. From that time we met at coffee shops and restaurants to be given gifts as a thank you for my loyalty. I had vouchers, flights, luggage, watches and the such like. I suppose looking back I felt important. It made me feel good about myself, and so I gambled more, and began stealing more. They knew what my job was, they knew I lied to my partner, but I was given more and more to keep me gambling. Maybe this is akin to a drug dealer giving a free ‘sample’ to get someone addicted. I don’t know, but certainly this massively impacted me.

Of course the reality of this is that I had to lie and lie more to explain all the things I received and so began a life of living a secret, double, life, a fantasy life. I saw it as necessary as there was no other way of explaining where all these things came from. And of course the lies get bigger to cover up the other lies. 

I was never asked for proof of funds, source of funds, affordability or questioned about lying to my partner or my job. And I want to be clear, it wasn’t just this company. I began opening accounts with lots of other online slots companies. Jackpotjoy, Sky, William Hill, you name it I played there. I probably had over 100 casino accounts open and was depositing 1000’s often in the space of minutes. This was rarely challenged. And if it was I simply moved on to another site. 

I’ve been shown some of my deposit records, sometimes £1000 deposited every 3 or 4 minutes. Never questioned. By the site or my bank. I don’t know how much I stole. It just became something I did. 

It was clear I was an addict. You could not view my deposit history any other way. But never once was I asked questions, or offered support. They even knew I lied about my gambling to my partner. But let me continue.

There are many questions here for regulators and government. But also for the companies and owners. We all have to ask moral questions of ourselves. 

But for me, I just kept gambling, and stealing. As I began a new relationship, I told more lies. I created new realities, and I couldn’t tell truth from fiction. I lost my friends because I isolated to gamble. This was predominately online, so I could gamble from anywhere, and I found myself gambling on my phone in the back of a taxi between meetings. I would do anything to keep playing. And it was invariably the same game. I knew I couldn’t win, I just wanted to play. So I did, from 0500 to midnight most days. Fitting everything in between gambling. My mobile phone became my mobile casino, and I wouldn’t get the tube, I’d get taxis so I wouldn’t lose reception and could continue playing. 

I don’t deny I had a good life. It was the only way I could explain things and keep the plates spinning. I was working hard, gambling hard, neglecting friends, and not being a good partner. It’s a sad indictment of who I had become. 

So this pattern carried on, I started to go to casinos in Vegas, and my life became consumed. It’s strange writing about all the lies and non gamblers may find it hard to understand, but that’s what I did, and as I’ve discovered since being in rehab it’s a pretty common behaviour. Gamblers are generally pathological liars. It’s not because they’re inherently bad people, but because they, I, have an illness. I’d challenge everyone reading this to just spend 20 minutes researching gambling addiction. It’s horrific. And I say this because I want to provoke people to think about things - it is now a public health emergency.

Back to the pre pandemic time prior to 2019/2020, and my life of lies, gambling and creating chaos continued. I had few real friends, and met somebody (T) in America I became close to. Again I told a mixture of truth and lies, and although initially I was truthful with him and my partner, I soon created chaos in that situation, and created much pain and hurt to two very good people. I don’t want to create more hurt but over time I did things that were evil to enable me to gamble. I hope one day I’ll be able to put some of those things right but at present things are too raw and I want those wonderful people to thrive in their lives. I simply say these things because the victims of gambling are wide and varied and entirely innocent. Gamblers are good at hiding things and lying and every gambler leaves a trail of victims. 

I knew I had a problem, but kept carrying on. There were several times I tried to stop, to start a new life without gambling, but of course with all the lies, the stealing, that could never happen so things continued. I joined GAMSTOP to stop me gambling online. But the reality is that simply pushed me to spend more times in bookies and casinos. And that meant I needed more time away from people so my grievous lies increased as I destroyed friendships to stop people talking to each other and finding out about me and what I was doing.

My partner and I decided to move to Scotland and start a new business, and I thought this would make it possible to stop and start afresh. But again the reality was I couldn’t stop. I left him there much of the time, spending time in America and London. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him and care for him, but my life was a mess and I just wanted to play a machine. I tried, and I repeatedly failed. A slot machine became my best and only friend.

On 15th February 2022, police came to arrest me in Scotland, but I was on my way to America. I was arrested at Heathrow. The police executed a search warrant, and in that it said I was a gambling addict and that was the first my husband knew. The tissue of lies unravelled….

I’ve got to say the police were very courteous and professional and never belittled or laughed. I suppose they had seen it all before. I fell apart but ironically also felt relief. It’s hard to say that knowing how many lies I’ve told and lives I’ve impacted. Since being bailed I reached out to Gamblers Anonymous and then to Gordon Moody where I am currently in rehab before my court appearance. I know I’ve rushed this through, and I’ve tried to protect the innocent, and it’s my hope to write more and maybe a book will come after I’m released from prison. If I do, any funds received will go to those I’ve harmed.

I’m grateful to Gordon Moody Association for my time in rehab. They’ve saved my life and that is no understatement. I’ve met remarkable people here, staff and peers and I’m grateful for that. I’ve been given hope of recovery and I’m determined to take it. It will be a long journey but it will be taken one step, one day at a time. 

I’m so so sorry to those I have harmed. You deserved better. Thank you for the love you gave me. 

I’ve tried in my life to do good, to be good, and to make a positive contribution to the world. I will keep trying. I won’t deny what I’ve done, and I’ll be living a life of truth going forward. I hope that by sharing others will consider the issues around gambling and society will be better for it. 

I’d be happy to hear from people in prison. At the end of this is how you can find out where I am and how you can contact me. If you are a gambler, or an affected other, or an old friend I’d love to hear from you and I promise I’ll reply.

In the meantime here’s a few questions for regulators of gambling sites.

Do VIP schemes feed addictive behaviour? 

What do you consider safe deposit and playing levels? 

Are deposits minutes apart a sign of chasing losses and addiction?

If you know a customer lies to their family, or to you, is this a red flag of gambling harm?

In Dudley, an area of high deprivation, there are 12 betting shops and 4 amusement arcades within a 2 minutes walk along the High Street. Is this appropriate, is it stimulating demand, and is it contributing to increased hardship, town centre decline, crime and disorder, and societal problems. I stress Dudley is simply an example I am aware of.

Why is their no overview of customers when I can open multiple accounts and deposit large sums without a single customer view? This would highlight customers with addiction issues, and crime.

Do banks have a responsibility? How can banks (and PayPal) allow deposits of tens of thousands in a few hours, when they know customers income and expenditure and credit file? Certainly banks accept they have a ‘moral purpose’ to stop customers becoming victims of scams - which they do  well - but what about gambling and theft. Especially when it is obvious crime or addiction.

Do gambling companies accept they have a legal and moral duty to prevent harm?

I won’t be able to write more on this site from prison, but I will upon release. I am a guilty man, it’s hard to live with that. I’m still trying to sort out all I’ve done and I know I can never put it all right. Whatever sentence I get I deserve. The sentence I choose to give myself is more damning, and deservedly so.

A final thought and plea before I give you my contact details: ‘Be the person who cares. Be the person who makes the effort, the person who loves without hesitation. Be the person who bears it all, the person who never shies away from the depth of their feeling or the intensity of their hope. Be the person who believes in the softness of the world, in the goodness of other people, in the beauty of being open and untethered and trusting. Be the person who takes the chance, who refuses to hide. Be the person who makes people feel seen, the person who shows up. Trust me when I say - be the person who cares. Because the world doesn't need any more carelessness, any more disregard; because there is nothing stronger than someone who continues to stay soft in a world that hasn't always been kind to them.’

Contact details

Current rehab centre

Martin Sargeant

Gordon Moody Association

43-47 Maughan Street

Dudley

DY1 2BA

I will ask Gordon Moody to forward letters to me and leave stamps for that purpose until 1 December 2022. After this date you can find me in prison using the government ‘find a prisoner’ service.

https://www.gov.uk/find-prisoner

• My name - Martin Sargeant
• D.O.B - 1/Oct/1969

If you have a gambling problem, or think you might, please reach out, if not to me, please find someone. Be brave. You can do it!

Martin

My favourite quote 

‘We live between the act of awakening and the act of surrender. Each morning we awaken to the light and the invitation to a new day in the world of time; each night we surrender to the dark to be taken to play in the world of dreams where time is no more. At birth we were awakened and emerged to become visible in the world. At death we will surrender again to the dark to become invisible. Awakening and surrender: they frame each day and each life; between them the journey where anything can happen, the beauty and the frailty.’

- from Divine Beauty: the Invisible Embrace John O’Donohue (1956–2008)

My last thought

I’ve worked really hard in rehab to understand myself and my life. I’ve made a real mess of it, hurt people, and there is much I cannot put right or make amends for. I am sorry. Gambling addiction is a very difficult ‘thing’ to understand and I will be fighting it all my life. I intend to win that battle every single day. That means I have to take my punishment for what I’ve done, and look at a new way in the future to live simply and truthfully, and to have a whole new relationship with money, the internet, lifestyle and how I use my time. Without those changes, my life is not worth living. 

I’ve met the most wonderful people in rehab. Some of us have made enormous mistakes and caused pain, others less so. But we’ve forged bonds through a desire to cause no more harm and to sort our sh*t. Some have relapsed on the way and all of us have had our struggles. But we are still here, still trying and have a determination to kick this disease. 

I’m grateful to so many who have reached out and asked questions and given support. Thank you. A final thought today - 

Please, seize the day

Hug those you love 

Be all that you can be 

This is not a rehearsal